Hi! My name is Francisco Arteaga and…

I have depression.

I’ve been battling with depression for more than I can remember. When I was around 15 years old, I started a blog not only because it was what the cool kids were doing (or so I wanted to think) but also because I needed to vent all of the weird things in my head. Everything I wrote in that blog was a way to get back at the people who made me feel bad about myself, how I felt life was unfair, and how things never seemed to get better for me. That blog went on until I was 22 years old. I abandoned it because my mind was focused entirely on my career and a toxic relationship.

It’s funny how things in life turn out. Fifteen years ago, I dreamed of becoming a famous person by writing in a blog –I almost did it. I had interviews on a radio station and on my local TV channel because what I used to write apparently was so relatable that people actually connected with me.

Once, while I was still studying for my university degree, a girl came to me and said, “are you Francisco? I knew you were! I enrolled at this University so I could meet you.” At that time, it was creepy –and still is– but now the creepiness comes with a smile and a weird sense of pride.

Now that I think of it, I realize that I never attempted suicide in my teen years, thanks to that blog. I can say that music played a significant part in venting and keeping myself sane. Still, as I get older and learn from therapy, I realize that writing and reflecting on life in that blog saved my life and maybe someone else’s.

Today, I’m writing this for several reasons. Not only to share my story, but my take on depression, how I accepted it and live with it every day, and how I think society should strive for a change.

Finding Out I had Depression.

My depression took time to build up. It was always there, in the back of my head, telling me how worthless and stupid I am. Still, it wasn’t until a relationship suddenly ended that it didn’t strike hard.

I’ve always had problems sleeping. My mind tends to wander into strange scenarios where I’m constantly failing. That exacerbates at night when I’m lying in bed trying to sleep. I always imagined how my funeral would be –who would come, who would cry, and who would feel bad for me. But once that relationship was over, my mind centered on so much bad stuff that I could not sleep or rest.

I was just starting in my first job as a professor, and I remember just going to teach either insomniac or under the effect of some sleeping pill. I dare to say that it did not take a toll on my teaching, but it took a toll on my body and mental health. It wasn’t long until I was suicidal, and I had to ask my family to help me seek help. That was how I got diagnosed.

Although the diagnosis was at first just as a depression triggered by grieving a gone relationship. I started realizing that I’ve never felt different from what the doctor was trying to help me with –The feeling of despair, failure, hopelessness, and just thinking that I had no place in this world was with me since my teen years. It was a frightful thing to realize.

After that, I’ve gone to therapy constantly, have been suicidal two times, and I’m still learning how to deal with these feelings.

Embracing Depression

Since that first diagnosis, I’ve been published two times in legal magazines, got four diplomas in Corporate Social Responsibility, Negotiation, International Commercial and Investment Arbitration, an LL.M. in International Trade & Development, and International Business Law from American University on a merit-based scholarship, and more recently got certified as an Anti-Money Laundering and Combating the Financing of Terrorism (AML/CFT) Specialist, got married, have a typical millennial family (My dog is my son), and have more good and meaningful friendships than ever –I’m not a complete failure. However, my mind is always telling me that I’m not everything I could be.

All of this I managed to do while accepting my depression. I know that that black cloud of sad and disheartening thoughts will always be with me. I wake up depressed every day. It is not something it goes away.

I could talk about how routines, changes in habits, even NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), medication, and even Cannabis have helped me. But the truth is that the thing that has helped me the most, it’s embracing my depression and talking about it openly.

That is what I think this world needs right now. Openness, not only we as individuals, but businesses, corporations, and governments. Social Media is full of mental health issues, advice, and advocates. That has made a lot of people and companies hop onto this mental health wave. And I can’t help to feel that they are only doing it because it is a big thing today, much like fast fashion.

I have no problem with people caring more and more about things that affect them emotionally. But I don’t think everything is a depression-inducing trauma. I know parents shape the way you feel and behave. Still, the number of people on social media just saying that all of their failures are because their parents were dysfunctional is just too much. Companies offering “mental health days/self-care weeks” without enticing a real conversation among their employees is terrible.

People and companies that really care about mental health talk about it. They offer solutions, not guilt. I think that the problem is rooted in us, not in the society or how fast and pressuring life has become –it is a factor– but not the real reason. The problem is in us, and this needs to be understood for people to start healing.

We need to acknowledge those parents who gave everything they had to raise you. Even when that meant waking up early to be in time for school, working two jobs, or being extra-strict with you, so you did not end up as a criminal. We need to acknowledge that everyone acts for their interest; everyone is trying to survive. We need to recognize that bad stuff happens and that some of us need more effort dealing with those things than others.

I know that anything resembling failure or rejection stays with me for a long time. That’s how I embraced my depression, and I just live it.